| Well I guess that its about past time for a new entry. Though previous to a few days ago, there wasn't really anything going on in life. And then all hell broke loose, so I'll explain about it as long as I can stand to. So me and my girlfriend broke up Saturday before last; the 17th I think. It was an easy break up. We both decided that it wasn't working out too well anymore. Didn't get to see each other often enough. Never really did much when we were hanging out. I didn't think she was happy, and she didn't think that I liked her. So, we parted ways on good terms, as friends. So my best friend and roommate bugs me to get back together with her because she's such an awesome chick, and she is. After I say no a couple times, because it wasn't working out - we did break up for a reasons (however lame it was), he asks me if it would be okay if they got together. Now, me being the logical person that I am, I say that I have no right to stop them from doing anything because, hey, we're not dating anymore; I have no right to say what she can and can't do. She mentions something about it, and I tell her the same thing. Eventually my answer to him became: "If she wants you to go over there, then I don't mind. As long as that's what she wants." So Monday night (the 26th I believe) I get ahold of him and he says that he's going over to her place, and that she had invited him over. Now, despite my logical conclusions, and the fact that I don't believe I have a right to conduct her/their activities, I just get a gut-wrenching feeling in my stomach and don't want him to. He offers as a true friend to not go if it bothered me, and if I told him that I didn't want him to. Logic prevails, like always (unfortunately), and after talking to him about it for a while, I can't say no. Because she wants him to go over there, and I don't have any right to ask that he doesn't. But, I still feel like shit and get really upset. Small side note here: I used to laugh at the joke when a woman says "I didn't say that I was angry, I said that I was upset." I didn't understand that, I thought it was splitting hairs. It's not. There is a HUGE difference between being angry and being upset. I realized this that night and have a better understanding of life for it. So once he tells me that he's over there, and he's not going to be replying to me for a while (we were text messaging for this conversation btw) I go to play pool and blow off some steam, hoping that the familiar feel of a cue stick and concentrating on my game and technique will take my mind off it and allow myself to be emerged in hitting the ball at just the right power, queue-ing the ball just right to set up my next shot, counting diamonds for the banks, and all the little things in billiards that separate a mediocre player from a good player. It didn't work. I couldn't stop thinking about it. It was shitty timing to admit to myself that I still liked her, and regardless of what I thought I had the right to do and not do, I didn't want him going over there to see her. I don't entirely recall where my line of thought went during the period where I was playing pool, but eventually I imagined hitting him. Him walking into the pool hall after he left her place, and me hitting him in the face as hard as I could. I acknowledged at the time, that my intention was to just hit him once and help him to his feet with the explanation "You deserved that and you know it." But I also acknowledged the very real possibility that I might continue to hit him, regardless of what my original intentions were. Now, I don't believe that anyone reading this has ever seen me get into a fight. Probably never even see n me hit anyone, being that it happens to seldomly. Deep down, I'm afraid of hitting people, lest I hurt them more than I intend. I've got hard, sharp knuckles. I am very well acquainted with how to hit someone just the right way, so that even a small amount of force causes maximum damage. How to clench your fist the instant before impact so that the tension of your arm increases the force behind the punch. And how to twist your wrist, slightly or severly, depending on where your hitting them, whether its on bone, muscle, or pressure point. And to always follow through; twist your shoulders, hips, and finally knees to put forth the most force, and do the most damage. Unless your boxing and throwing a jab, or a rabbit punch - but I won't get into the extremely technical. And finally, I am a skinny guy, and Don't have a whole lot of muscle mass. But I'm Irish, and my muscles tend to be dense instead of large. Any girl I pick up or throw over my shoulder knows that I'm weak by no means. So he lets me know that he's getting ready to leave and that he's not going to meet me at the pool hall, because he knows that I'd hit him. I offered to let him get me drunk instead. So he took the last of her Jack and we met at QT to get a case of beer. I waited for him there for about a half hour, feeling nothing but numbness. The drive there, I never touched the radio, which if you drive with me know is strange. I stared at my jeans for 30 minutes, and didn't even notice at first when he finally got there. I'd never felt numb before that point. People say that they cut themselves so that they can feel again - now I understand what they're talking about. It's a horrible sensation, to be completely numb. Listening to the pulse in your head, wishing that it would shut the fuck up and join your thoughts in oblivion. To be released from this mortal shell, and pass into an exhistence where nothing matters, and nothing exhists, would be bliss. Instead I was torn from my reverie by loud music and the smallest amount of motivation that allowed me to go inside and obtain my momentary Amrbosia. So I get home, get wasted, tell my brother what happened and how fucked up it was. Told my "friend" that I don't want any videos that came out of this (because I knew he made at least one) to remain in exhistence. Called a friend I haven't talked to in months, get sick, and eventually pass out in a merciful, deep, dreamless sleep. So I get up the next morning, and while my roommate is still sleeping, take the videos from his phone and put them on to mine. And for reasons I still can't explain, whatced them both (there were 2 short videos). After thinking about it, I decided I probably watched them to make it real to me. Just hearing by text that it was happening was a nightmare that I might wake up from. Seeing recorded evidence made it real to me, and made the numbness creep back, ever so slightly. So I told him that I watched the videos, which of course I was never meant to see. He told her, because she had to know about it. And the first thing she sends me, again by text, is: "Well congrats mike, you've earned your name back". Now, that doesn't mean anything to you all, but my first name is Troy, and thats what she always calls me. 2 1/2 years ago, she was raped in the ass by a guy named Michael, and refused to address me as so. So naturally, hearing her address me so just made me upset all over again. However, I believe that cooler heads always prevail, and I explained my thoughts in full. I told her that, just in case if she didn't know, I still like her, very much so. And that I wasn't angry about what had happened, only confused. We had agreed previously that it would have been fucked up for her and my buddy to hook up because (A) he's my best friend and her my ex, and (B) he had messed around with her best friend, which had been causing trouble between her and her best friend. So I had put the possibility of them getting together out of my mind as a 'no way', since we had both agreed that it would have been fucked up. Come to find out, after kind of settling things down and making my peace with her, she didn't invite him over. He had been hounding her since the Wednesday after we broke up to go visit her. He manipulated her and me into the situation. He had told me that the video was her idea, which it of course was not. He had acted, when we were texting that night, like it was the first time for him to go over there, which to find out, was actually the second, and they had already slept together earler that same day. I don't remember all of the details of our conversation, especially considering that it lasted by text for the better part of 2 days, but eventually it came down to so many holes, and half truths, and outright lies and deception that I was eventually enraged at him for being dishonest about the entire situation. Mostly, I decided that I was angry that he hadn't told me beforehand what was happening, or what was going to happen. Now, I've got four people in this entire world that I call "Friend". It's not a title that I bestow lightly. If I claim someone in that limited category, it means that I trust that if I call them at four o'clock in the morning, regardless of circumstances or history, that they will help me out with whatever problem it is that I have. And likewise for them, (which is generally the case), if they have something they need help with or to talk about, it doesn't matter whats going on at the time. I will drop everything to help them out. Because that's what true friends do for each other. Bottom line. And I count this person among those four people, and I didn't want to break that up. So I made my peace with him. Despite the outright lies, and the manipulation, and the entire fucked up situation that was, I decided, the fault of all three of us, I took his solemn oath that I still have his trust, and that it isn't misplaced. So me and my friend are going to be cool. Between me and my ex... we talked a lot about what was wrong with our relationship. Come to find out, I'm not much of a boyfriend. They both told me that if they thought that I actually had feelings for her, or that if I cared, they wouldn't have done it. So apparantly, I'm not very good with my communication skills in that area. I came to the conclusion that I was always worried that she wasn't happy with whatever we were doing. Whether it was hanging out, or just sitting around and talking, I was always worred about her being entertained. I always try too hard in just about everything I do, and end up messing it up. This case wasn't any different. When we were together, I was constantly putting too much effort in paying attention to her, only to find out later that she was perfectly content just being in my company. And, more often than I originally realized, I ignored her when we weren't in each others presence. She would call me and see if I wanted to hang out, but I would already be out doing something, and wouldn't want her there so I could worry about keeping her entertained - which I didn't need to do in the first place. When we were having our final conversation as a couple, I could have stopped us from breaking up, just by saying that I wanted to stay together. Unfortunately, somewhat of a philosophy on life that I have is that once something is done, or already happened, theres nothing to do about it. No sense in being angry or upset. Whats done is done, and pissing and moaning about it won't change anything. So when she told me 'this isn't working anymore', I agreed with her completely and decided since that was the case, it was already over, and that I wasn't going to try to stay together and promise things would be different, because I knew at the time that they wouldn't. So we had a nice chat, and when I stood up to leave, I gave her a hug and said that it was fun while it lasted. Which is exactly how I felt. I enjoyed her company when she was there. I liked talking to her about stuff we had in common and what we didn't. I enjoyed laying next to her and listening to her breathe, because she was there with me. And whenever she was, nothing else in the world mattered. So now we're talking again, and we both agree that we probably want to get back together. So we've got a date set up for Saturday and I'm hoping that everything turns out well. Part of me dreads what I'm going to feel when I see her for the first time again, but I'm guessing more likely than not that I'll be pleasently surprised with my emotional reaction. I've put a lot of thought into the workings of our relationship and what went wrong, and I think that I've figured out some things that will make it go a lot smoother. I'm fairly certain that they will help out so much. And its just small things! To think that a few really small things will made such a success out of what was such a horrible failure is absurd. But I have high hopes. So this is where I leave you. It's taken me neary 45 minutes to collect my thoughts and type all of this down (and most people know I type hella fast), so I'm sure that this was a horribly long read for you if you stuck it through. I've taken the rest of this week off from work, and am visiting my father at Grand Lake. I haven't seen him since Christmas. I told him a bit about what happened and he agrees with my assessment that it might be mildly (just mildly!) difficult to get over all of this, but what is the point of life if not to hope for some things? For things that haven't happened yet, you've all the world to gain by putting in the right amount of effort. "We are the music makers. And we are the dreamers of dreams." ~ Ode by Arthur O'Shaughnessy |
, gets great gas mileage, and runs extremely well. So I'm very happy with it. The only downsides are that it leaks power-steering fluid, the A/C is out of freon (and it takes R-13 which is now illegal thanks to the EPA), and the stereo doesn't work (which I intend to remedy first chance I get). Nothing too huge. A couple hundred dollars and it will be in ship-shape even more so. 
